Progressive Wednesday

Monday Morning Motherhood: Missing Being Mommy

June 11th, 2007 by Melissa Brannen

Man, oh, man, I love it when my words come back to kick me in the rear. No, really. It’s quite a pleasant sensation. Okay, so that may have been a bit of sarcasm. I don’t actually enjoy having anything kick me in the rear. Perhaps this will teach me a lesson. Those articles that had me wishing for “me time”? The ones that said I wanted a break sometimes from being a mom? Ha. Guess what. I got my break. And it sucks.

We are now closing in on day 11 of me, sans child. About two weeks ago, I was admitted to the hospital (oh yes, again). This time my sisters, all of whom live in the District of Columbia, stepped up to the plate and took care of Grace. Liz flew up, and flew back down with my kid in tote, and Grace has since been at my sister Sarah’s home. Sarah lives with her husband, Ben, and their two children, Harry and Rhys. Grace has been having a ball, loving almost every minute of her stay there. They got her her own bed, she had her favorite books with her, and she has spent 11 days running around causing child-sized havoc with her cousins. All of her aunts have been by to see her several times, and almost every time I talk to her she’s in the middle of giggling. Does the occasional meltdown occur? Yes, of course, she’s only four. Once or twice, I received a phone call from a small child in tears, asking to come home.

I’ve been out of the hospital for almost five days now, but my sisters and I agreed, and following my doctor’s advice, that Grace stay in D.C. until I’d recovered a bit more, until I was literally back on my feet. Five days of time to lounge in bed, eat chocolate (mostly Ben & Jerry’s), read books (sappy romance novels), watch movies (“chick flicks”), and nap at will. After more than four days of every harried mother’s dream, I want to give it back. No more, thanks. I’ve had sufficient. The first day or two was okay, even nice, I’ll admit. But after that, all I wanted was to be a mom again. Not just in name, but in practice.

In my very first Monday Morning Motherhood column, I mention that when we become parents “we gain a child and a whole new identity.” I don’t think I realized myself, until these past few weeks, how true that is. I’m not quite sure what I did with my time before I had my daughter. Whatever it was, it seems ridiculous and inane now. I’m a mom. More specifically, I am Grace’s mom, and right now, that’s all I want to be. I miss her more than I thought humanly possible. She comes home tomorrow, and this “other me,” the “non-mom me,” is gonna lose it quite soon if I read any more Danielle Steel books. Though the plethora of John Cusack movies next to my DVD player is damn good. Those, I’ll keep.