Progressive Wednesday

Monday Morning Motherhood: Judging Mommy

June 4th, 2007 by Melissa Brannen

Confession time. I am slightly embarrassed about it, but this edition of Monday Morning Motherhood was inspired by an article about Britney Spears. Oh yes, the Britney Spears. Dancing on a pole and partying all night with Paris Hilton, amongst other infractions, have raised the hackles of those across the nation (okay, those who incessantly read the celebrity gossip columns… like myself) and have some out there judging her abilities as a mother. Now, bear in mind, I’m not siding with anyone here, except, well, myself. I get to do that, because I write the column, and that’s how it goes.

You know the mom in the supermarket with the kid screaming and screaming for “RACHAEL RAY CRACKERS!?” (Well, maybe that’s just my kid.) You see her, see the kid, and think to yourself, “She really needs to learn how to control her child.” Or what about the mom who stops at McDonald’s on the way home after 13 exhausting hours of work, soccer practice and ballet class� She should be making a healthy, homemade dinner. We judge moms, and we expect them to be perfect.

According to an article on MSNBC:

“Judging mothers — and watching us turn up short — has always been a popular American pastime,” says Janet Penley, [a parenting coach, mother of two adult children and author of Motherstyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths]. “As a society, we seem to want to say there are two kinds of moms — a good mom or a bad mom. That’s been damaging for women and it’s just wrong.”

“We as a culture are way too hard on moms,” says Lisa Loop, a freelance copywriter and Seattle mother of two young daughters. “Just because a mom has a night out — even if she’s totally out of control — it doesn’t mean she can’t rein it in later when she’s with the kids.”

This is what brings me back to Ms. Spears. I’m not an advocate of partying every night, nor do I approve of some of her recent behavior documented by indecent pictures that circulated the Internet at lightning-fast speed. However, and this is a big however, I’m not saying we should write her off immediately as a bad mother. A few weeks ago, at the prompting of my boyfriend, I went out with my girlfriends. We had a rowdy, bawdy girls’ night out, and had a blast. My daughter was well cared for, asleep before I even left, and I was awake the next morning to take care of her. Unless she snuck out of the house, stealthily followed me, and watched my evening, I doubt there are any psychological scars that will occur because I had a night out. Also, I probably would have noticed had she followed me. She’s still jumps out and yells “Here I am!” while playing hide-and-seek, and I don’t think her piggy bank had enough money for a taxi.

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Why is it that we judge mothers so harshly? Perhaps we still have a June Cleaver-like expectation of what moms ought to be. Apparently, we are considered the primary care-givers, and apparently every action we take will effect our child and they will wind up in therapy, talking about how mommy left the laundry in the basket too long before folding it, forgot to wash his/her soccer uniform, or had two glasses of wine at a dinner party one night.

This topic begs another question though. What about dad? Where does he fall into this equation? Does anyone mind when he goes out with the guys? Is society in an uproar about men’s poker night? As of today, I have yet to run across an article from a major news source that chides fathers for having a “guys’ night out.” This double-standard is both infuriating and enlightening since it’s alive and kicking, now is the time to do something about it. If Dad can play Texas Hold ‘Em with his buddies, surely Mom can have a night or two out with the gals. Am I right? Our children won’t suffer because we go out every now and then, rather than staying home and folding laundry. They will be okay. And as for those of you who find such glee in judging “bad mommies�” Start watching baseball — last I heard, that was the official American pastime.