Monday Morning Motherhood: West Side Story (Without the Dancing)
April 9th, 2007 by Melissa Brannen
There’s a war going on. Not the debacle in the
Okay, that’s probably not going to happen (if for no other reason than Friedan’s death). But, the attention the media has given the “Mommy Wars” is undeniable. (See for yourself, here, here, here, and here.) Most of the major news outlets have run stories on it, books have been written, studies conducted, and opinions rendered. This has fueled the fire and caused strife amongst the ranks of those fighting. Since I’m out of war analogies, I’ll get on with it. Wait, trenches. I should put something about trenches, right? Okay, getting on with it.
A study done by the NIH was just released that showed both positive and negative aspects of children being in day care. Children who received quality care before entering kindergarten had higher vocabulary skills by 5th grade, but children who spent more time in daycare had more behavior problems reported by their 6th grade teachers. Of course, as is the tendency of the media, the negative aspects of the study received more attention than the positive. However, this is my favorite quote from an article on this study (the quote, of course, is buried at the end of the piece):
The authors emphasized that the children’s behavior was within a normal range and that it would be impossible to go into a classroom, and with no additional information, pick out those who had been in child care.
Research also showed that it was the quality of care that mattered, and that parental influence had the most effect on children. Whether you work in an office or stay at home, your parenting is what has the biggest impact. It’s the time you spend with your child matters, whether you stay at home or go to work everyday.
A book about this debated was released in 2006 called, coincidentally enough, Mommy Wars, edited by Leslie Morgan Steiner. It’s chock full o’ anecdotes and stories from mothers about why they chose to stay home, or why they chose to have a career. I admit, it’s a good read. The stories are witty and offer insight into each side. However, the vast majority of the stories featured are from moms who had a choice if they wanted to stay home fulltime with their children, have a career, or work part time, a choice most women in this country don’t have.
An estimated 63% of mothers with small children work outside the home, and the majority of these women do it because they have to, to financially make ends meet. Conversely, many women stay home because they can’t afford to work: any salary brought in would immediately be eaten up by the high cost of child care, transportation, and other work-related expenses. Take, for example, my sister and I.
I go to work everyday, mostly for financial reasons. As a single mother and the sole bread-winner, I don’t exactly have a choice, but I’m lucky in that I love my job. Admittedly, I could spend a little less time there–my daughter is good friends with the night-time cleaning lady, I’ve spent so many evenings working. But, I enjoy my work, and my daughter loves her daycare. She thrives on it–her vocabulary is astounding, and her interaction with the other children has definitely helped her become an outgoing and social person. The time we spend together, as mom and Gracie, is important, and I try to make the most of it. I feel, and hope, that I’m a good mom, not just despite the fact I work everyday and put my daughter in daycare, but perhaps because of it. Our situation works for us, and we do what we have to do.
My sister Sarah was working on her second Master’s degree when she became pregnant with her first child. Her first Master’s is in nursing, and her second would have been in epidemiology. She had also previously worked for the NIH, doing research on pancreatic cancer. Her husband, now an attorney at the FTC, was working at a law firm in
The point of all this? I have no idea. The “Mommy Wars” are raging across the nation, and we’re all losing. Who the hell are we to tell other people how to live? Unless we’re talking about abuse or a child being placed in harm’s way, don’t parents have the right to raise their own children without having to defend every action? Lets get out of these trenches (see, trenches!!), wave our respective white flags, and get back to what we are: parents.
The main thing we need to remember is that what matters is quality parenting, however you chose to practice it. The “Mommy Wars” has no winners, only victims that are made to feel guilty because of the choices they make. So, in short: back off, would you please? I’m trying here.
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